I had a professor in grad school and he was known for his long analogies. Before he began, he would always say: walk with me. I haven’t written like this in a while but today my heart tugged at me and well, what can I say? Walk with me.
Sometimes I lay awake and just wonder. I wonder at the direction my life is going, at the friends I have now and the ones I’ve lost, I think about all the things I so badly want to do but haven’t gotten around to doing and all that wondering leaves a small ache deep in my heart.
When did life become so superficial? Why does everything have to be a game? A battle of who’s the toughest? Who feels the least or shows the least emotions about stuff? I realize that sometimes I have my head in the clouds but really all I’ve ever wanted is a simple life. A life in which my mother is happy and my tribe is hale and hearty. A life where I am unafraid to speak my mind and feel all my feelings without being labeled as overly emotional or too sensitive.
I might ramble a bit on this post but stay with me, I have a point I promise. I’m writing this from a place I haven’t written from in so long and it feels so good, like a warm hug. It’s a place where I’m quiet and can hear my heart speak, where my imagination runs wild and all my pent up feelings come crashing down on me. Sometimes I write these feelings and thoughts as I feel them but I never post because I am afraid that the only person that might understand it is me but today, today I feel brave.
Pent up feelings, I have so many of them. I’m still a bit sad about something my friend did to me, I’m terribly homesick, I miss my family with every fibre of my being, especially my little nephew and niece. Oftentimes I’m so uncertain about my future, somedays I see myself with a loving husband and a house full of kids, other days I feel like I’m probably always going to be alone and this terrifies me, the not knowing what do with all these feelings terrifies me and so I put them neatly away in tiny compartments in my head and for the most part they stay there and life goes on but on nights like this, they go rogue and stroll out of their neat little boxes and challenge me to examine them.
Setbacks. I’ve had so many lately, I have probably lost count, I feel like I’ve been living on the edge of a nervous breakdown but in the midst of the chaos the most amazing things have been happening. Specific People have banded together and dedicated themselves to making my life brighter, especially the people from my Church and even people who I just met. Last week I was complaining that my handbag was old and on it’s last life and the next day my friend calls me and tells me that someone blessed me with two gorgeous bags. Little things that makes me feel like God Himself is saying to me; Hush my child, every thing will be alright.
I still cry in the shower most nights, I’m still unbelievably sad and so very lonely some days, I still feel uncertain about so many things in my life and I’m still holding on to the dream of finding my true love but in the middle of all that, I cannot deny that I still have it good. My darling friends keep giving me beautiful babies to love and cherish, I finally have a library card and I’ve been going crazy borrowing books from my local library. (Cheesy I know but it makes me gloriously happy). I have a family that loves me relentlessly and is so in tune with me even though they’re a million miles away. The other day I told my sister that my heart was unsettled and she told me she knew and that she could feel it. I am blessed with friends that check up on my mother and provide for her in ways that I am unable to from here. I am blessed with friends that love me and write me letters when I ask them to and talk me off the ledge when I need it. I am blessed. I do my very best to remind myself of that profound fact daily.
It’s 1:22 am and although my heart aches just a little bit and sleep has eluded me again, it is fun to count my blessings. I guess the point of this post was me getting in touch with my feelings and being vulnerable and open. Pent up feelings will sneak up on you when you least expect them to and that’s ok. Feel every thing, that’s what makes life beautiful. I’m still me, and I always will be. A little goofy, a bit too serious, head in clouds romantic and just in love with life and living. I don’t have to change to fit anyone else, I don’t have to chip away parts of myself anymore. I love sending long messages to my loved ones once in a while and I love receiving them. Oh! When someone writes me out of the blue my heart turns over in my chest and it’s a better feeling than I could ever explain.
I hope this journey into my mind was an interesting one today and to my friends and family that might read this, yes I still want my letters from you all because they make my heart smile. Life is beautiful, and if you’re blessed, it’s a gift that keeps on giving.
“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.” —Omar Khayyam
” I am a thousand miles away from home, with nothing but a hope and a prayer and a suitcase of memories to keep me warm..” – Anonymous