A Random Post On Letting Go.

So I had a cut on my thigh. I don’t know how it got there but it did. My body has been working hard to heal the cut, but I won’t let it be. Each time the scar tries to dry up, I pick at it till it bleeds again (sorry for the TMI &don’t judge me🙈🙈) it feels good when I pick at it, but when it opens up and starts to bleed again it hurts like crazy and I sit there and ask myself why? Why did I have to put myself through that unnecessary pain that my body is working so hard to help me avoid?

It went off like a light bulb in my sleep deprived head just now at 1:44 am, that this is exactly how we sabotage ourselves sometimes. We put ourselves in situations we know will hurt us and then wonder why it hurts so much!. Transparency moment: I am very guilty of this. Sometime ago, I learned the art of accepting my portion of the blame when something happens to me. Over a period of time I have seen that I sometimes lead myself into these situations that cause me pain. Most times the warnings are right there! Flashing like a neon sign, but loneliness tends to numb my ‭instincts and then I find myself in a world of pain.

Liken my scar to a break up. Let that pain go! Let it go. Rereading old messages and stalking on social media and reminiscing is picking at the scar that’s trying so hard to heal. You’ll pick and pick and you’ll start to bleed again and the only person who’ll be in pain is you.

Letting go is the best thing you can do sometimes, it might even be all you can do, so do it, let go. The scar will heal and you’ll be brand new again. Now that I have shared my little epiphany, it’s time to switch off this phone and attempt to sleep… thanks again for reading my ramblings on my little old blog.

All you can do is all you can do; but all you can do is enough…- Art Williams

When Grace Found Me.

Some truths aren’t easy to admit, or share, or write. They weigh a ton, sitting there until one day you decide it’s going to be the day of your freedom and then you let it all out. Today is one of those days for me.

I want to be dramatic and say I was a troubled teen who wore only black and listened to punk rock music, but that would be stretching the narrative. The truth is I was indeed a troubled teen, mad at the world, filled with so much rage, fighting demons only I could see and I was losing the battle. You see, I was dealing with the mental torture of abuse, and I couldn’t really tell anyone. Nobody really saw me or had an inkling that I was fighting, nobody except my sister. She repeatedly asked me but I sent her away so much that she stopped asking. Then I got mad at her for stopping, you see how messed up I was?

So, I was living my life in bondage and pain and one day shortly after my sixteenth birthday, I decided to take a break from life. The thought of suicide became so glamorous to me. It seemed like this end, this peace, this respite from life and pain. The devil filled my idle mind with how blissful it would be and how much peace I’d have when I died. So, I wrote a note, and decided to go for it but mercy said no.

We had a weekly morning service at Church; Moments of Mercy.  My mum made us go every week, no excuse. The service was short and sweet because people had to go to school and work afterwards. So that morning was no exception. I got to Church and sat at the back, willing the service to be over so I could finalize my stupid plans, but the joke was on me because that was the day that Grace found me.

It was as if someone had told my Pastor my plans, I remember crying and thinking, how can he know??? Who told him??? I cried and cried. After the teaching, he made an altar call, I don’t even remember how I got to the altar, but there I was in my green dress, bawling my eyes out, completely overwhelmed by the grace, mercy and love of God. I gave my life to Christ that day and God saved my life, literally saved me from myself.

The journey since then hasn’t been hitch free, not even remotely; but the difference is that God’s grace is always there. His love is unrelenting and never ending, actually our little minds cannot comprehend the love that God has for us.

So this is not an abstract post telling you not to give up, this is coming from a place where I have walked. I can tell you with absolute certainty that I have been there, in that place of depression and pain and wanting out, but I can also tell you that I have seen the Grace of God, I can tell you that I have seen the face of God in my sister who wouldn’t let me go, in my family that loves me unconditionally, in my friends who instinctively know when something is not right with me. I have seen God in my niece when she wraps her tiny hands around my neck, in dogs when they run up to me and lick my hands. When life gets overwhelming and dark, just look up, look up to the sky and see that the God that changes night to day, will never give up on you. You’re not alone, it’s not hopeless and no matter how dark it gets, the sun will shine again.

Fun fact: The literal meaning of my name Amarachukwu is the Grace of GOD…

30 And Oh! So Thankful.

pic

So yesterday, I turned 30. It was also the first birthday since I turned twenty five that I didn’t cry or feel unaccomplished. I did not have one cloud in my sky yesterday, I actually had a beautiful day! You know, I didn’t set out to. I honestly assumed that anxiety would kick in and I would be again faced with all the things I still hadn’t done, blah blah blah. Ordinarily, I would have but as soon as I opened my eyes, I was filled with a sense of pure joy and gratitude to God. I really cannot explain it  but it was deep and so real. I didn’t even have to try to smile or put up a front pretending that I was happy when I was wailing inside. Every smile, every laughter came from deep within my soul and was as real as can ever be.

thumbnail

Maybe I have indeed gotten wiser with my new age, but really what is the point of being filled regrets and what ifs? I wasn’t supposed to make it to my first birthday, how much more my thirtieth because the Dr didn’t think I would make it, but I have survived and I am still surviving. I have survived pain, depression, the loss of loved ones, bitter disappointments, I have gotten my heart broken, and I have cried and cried but still I am here, alive, healthy! Eye brows thriving, edges growing, my point is I am here even when I didn’t think I would be.

quotes-The-Big-3-0

 

The only regret I do have is all the time I have spent crying and whining for things that are in the past and cannot be changed. I have made mistakes and learned from them, and it is time to move forward, bright eyed and optimistic and completely sure that my life is about to become everything I know it will be. Yesterday was amazing, I can officially say I have the best family and friends a girl could ever ask for! They went out of their way to make sure I had a swell time! To my sister who is a million miles away and still managed to sneak a surprise past me, my darling friend Tosin still million miles away, still sending cakes and candles, I love you all! Thank you. For every call, message and gift I am truly grateful. For those who forgot, next year you’ll remember. My path in life has never been more clear, I am so ready. Ready for  love, ready for life, ready to fall, ready to rise, ready to learn, to dream, to hope, I am standing here at the threshold of the beauty I know my life will be, arms stretched, eyes looking up to God, and ready to take on the world.

Happy birthday to me!

“what if we lived everyday like it was our birthday?…” Anonymous

This Is Me…

 

This is me.

This is the part where I say goodbye to everything that has held me bound.

This is me breaking up with depression, anxiety and stress.

 This is me kicking all these meaningless situationships that are neither here nor there to the curb.

This is me reclaiming my time, my joy, my pride, my smile.

This is me screaming: out with the old, in with the new.

This is me accepting my portion of the blame and moving on…

This is me telling myself the truth: this bottle of coke might kill me if I don’t quit.

This is me attracting and accepting the love I deserve.

This is me loving myself with my heart and not with my mouth.

This is me learning to say NO and sticking with it, no explanations.

This is me remembering to put coconut oil on my scalp.

This is me drinking a lot of water and minding my business.

This is me loving fiercely, giving completely and expecting nothing in return.

This is me saying I forgive you and meaning it.

This is me accepting my flaws and coming to terms with my numerous imperfections.

This is me rocking tank tops and shorts with pride cos hey! I am not the only one with stretch marks and flabby arms.

This is me speaking up for those who cannot speak up for themselves.

The upgrade is complete, this is the new me.

 -Adaugo 2018

 

 

 

 

I Ate Alone!…

 

Happy New Year my people! I hope everyone is having an amazing January so far? It’s been a minute I know, but truly I have turned a new leaf. I gave up on making New Year resolutions a long long time ago, simply because I never keep them. I just try to live better daily; it just seemed like the sensible thing to do.

Do-Something-New

Recently, I have been learning to enjoy my own company, to go places by myself and to just be. It has been a bit hard because I am a people person and I love to be with my siblings especially but like I said, I have been trying my hand at being alone.

So some time ago, I got up, got dressed and went out to lunch by myself. It was 100% weird, and several times I wanted to just get up, abandon the food and get out of dodge. Somehow though I soldiered through the meal and I learned something new about myself. When I stopped stressing out about how I looked sitting by myself eating alone, I actually had a good time and I walked home smiling. I shall do that more often, something new and something unexpected. I hope that this New Year is filled with new things, thing worth smiling about, things to make you happy and excited to get out of bed and face the day, something to make to make you bounce up and down again. Do something new today.

Eat alone at a restaurant without my cell phone, check.

I need something different. I don’t know what is, but I need something new”Anonymous 

Shut Your Door…

 

Everyone has an opinion about everything these days. Especially those who have no business having opinions in the first place! Then again, we open the door wide open when we post intimate details of our lives online, then get mad when people say crap about it. Yes I know it’s your life, it’s your party, but you let the world in when you put it out there. Sometimes, you literally have to shut the door to the opinion of others, keep out the negativity and the unwanted comments by bringing down the veil of privacy on your personal business.

Actually what spurred this is a post I saw about a couple that got a divorce. The comments were heartbreaking and it made me think. Divorce is extremely painful. Like often times people don’t understand the magnitude of the pain that comes with leaving the person you planned your forever with. No matter whose fault it is, who did what or said what, divorce is painful. And when a couple finally gets to that road, people who have no clue or how their ship wrecked get to sit behind their phone screens and have several opinions, sigh. Like I said it was your party but you let them in. I get the need to want to rant or vent on social media. I also think some things are sacred and should stay sacred. Things like pain.

Nobody else might understand how you feel, don’t aggravate it by throwing it out there for the whole world to see. It’s like you’re bleeding in an ocean and social media is the shark swimming towards you, fangs out, ready to devour you.

Guard yourself.

“Online I see people committing ‘social media suicide’ all the time by responding to all criticism”-Timothy Ferriss

 

Guard your heart…

 

Two Sundays ago, it felt like my pastor had it in for me. I could have sworn he was speaking to me the whole service and I was so convicted. You see, I always say this: I love love. I am very quick to give my heart away, to fall in love or to just believe that each time, it could be love. Every time I do this, and every time I get hurt. I get hurt and it’s all my fault because I had no business giving my heart away like cotton candy. You see even the Bible tells us to guard our hearts, it is our duty to protect our emotions and the issues of the heart. So my pastor went on and on and when he said: God knows how delicate our hearts are, that’s why He put it inside our rib cage. He had to build a whole chest to guard it because He knew it needed to be safe. When my pastor said this, I felt like someone splashed a bucket of ice cold water on my face!

quotes-guard-your-heart----

It was definitely a wake up call for me. It is pointless to always blame other people when you get your heart broken. It is time to start accepting your portion of the blame and realize that not everyone deserves your heart and your devotion. Often times, we are so quick to say stuff like: oh! I am very emotional, or I love with everything I have in me but then nobody gets hurt but you!. It is time to become emotionally intelligent and also to ask God for the spirit of discernment. Too much time is wasted casting our precious pearls to the swine, we literally take ourselves, our emotions and our bodies which are precious pearls and cast them to people who have no business touching them in the first place.

These situationships have to go! Neither here nor there, neither hot nor cold, here today gone tomorrow. If there’s no clear definition of intent what then is the point? This heart is staying inside my rib cage where it’s meant to be, not on my sleeve, not handed away like party favors! Because giving should be reciprocated, if not you’ll give and give and give and one day, you’ll wake up and realize that you gave yourself all away and there might be nothing left.

Above all else, guard your heart. For everything you do flows from it.” –Proverbs 4:23

 

 

On mangoes and cheating spouses…

I love fruits, I really do. My favorite fruit has to be grapes, especially when they are frozen. I can write an entire post about my love for grapes. Udara is a close second (I don’t know the English name for it.) The number three spot goes to…You guessed it!!! Mangoes. Particularly the sherri and German species.

I have bought my fruits from the same woman for as long as I can remember and I truly consider her a friend. When I saw her in February after years away from home, she gave me a bagful of fruits and we spent a good thirty minutes catching up; I digress. You’re probably wondering what mangoes have to do with cheating spouses, here goes:

quotescover-PNG-24

So unfortunately, Udara season is over *insert tears of anguish* but the silver lining is that after udara goes, mango resumes LOL so it’s almost a win win situation for me. This afternoon on my way from Church, I had my smile in place and I headed to my favourite fruit stall. After our usual banter, I looked at her wares but the mangoes weren’t calling my name. They didn’t look ripe and they weren’t just appealing. I was still rummaging around, trying to find some good ones when I looked at the stall next to hers and saw the most beautiful, perfectly yellow, succulent sherri mangoes. I was so torn. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by buying from her neighbour but I also wanted the ripe mangoes from the next stall.

I managed to stifle my longing for the luscious mangoes, bought a few unappealing mangoes from my friend and went on home. Let’s compare our spouses to those mangoes shall we? I recently watched a show where people who have cheated on their spouses were interviewed and they gave their reasons for cheating. Majority of them cheated because their partners weren’t as appealing as they used to be or because the magic simply wasn’t there anymore. Those excuses are lame mehn! If the magic is fading, make new magic, rekindle the flames or whatever! Stay with the wife/husband you promised to love till death did you both part!

I guess my point is if I could walk away from those delicious mangoes, you can walk away from temptation!

Everyone must choose one of two pains: The pain of discipline or the pain of regret.”-Jim Rohn

29 going on 60…

My birthday is always the one day of the year where I have no worries, the one day where there isn’t any cloud in the sky. It usually kicks off with the generic message that my bank sends me to tell me how much I mean to them blah blah blah, then the calls and the messages and the status updates and the everything. Some of the messages are well thought out and deeply personal and might even make me cry, others are impersonal and to the point, and somehow I already know that the next time I will speak to or hear from such people will be on their own birthday or next year on mine again. I usually don’t get any gifts (yes, shade to all my friends and family) but I honestly don’t mind because the heartfelt prayers and the love soothes my soul way more than material things would.

quotescover-JPG-92

So on March 17th, I turned 29. It wasn’t a cloud free day but I didn’t mind. My sister dragged me out for drinks and I got to see my niece so it was a day very well spent. But the thing about birthdays is that they have a way of waking you up! On every birthday since I turned 20, there is always one part of the day where it suddenly hits me that this is a whole new year, one step closer to the grave, one year further away from youth. I end up thinking of the things I have achieved and even more about the things I have not achieved and usually I come to terms with my life as it is but this year was different.

29 is a very awkward age for me, it feels like I am standing on the precipice of something that I don’t quite know. A year away from 30, the last year that I can officially say that I am in my late twenties and this year, the birthday reflections did not wait to hit me at a random time of day; they hit me as soon as I opened my eyes. All I could think about was all that I haven’t done. The husband I haven’t married, the babies I haven’t had, the places I haven’t seen, the feelings I haven’t felt, the book I haven’t written, the car I haven’t driven, It went on and on and on. Typically, the tears came and they came hot and fast and rolled down my cheeks in rapid succession. Ordinarily I would have let them. I would have cried myself into puffy eyes and a blocked nose and a raging headache but this time, this time was different. I got up, cleaned my eyes and played my favorite playlist. I did my makeup, treated myself to a special breakfast, went for a job interview, saw my dearest friends,  rocked my niece to sleep, and went out for drinks and I must say that it was a beautiful, somewhat cry free day.

Whats the point of this post you ask? The point is that I have grown up some. I have finally learned to consciously count my blessings and not my sorrows, to be grateful for what I do have, rather that pinning for what I have lost or I am yet to have. I Finally learned to ditch the tears because listen the eyes are the first to age; and my eyes are my best feature sooooo I better catch up on my carrots and cucumbers and glasses of water rather than crying and always rubbing at my eyes. Plus I already have eye bags, why enlarge them further?

I am only 29, but sometimes I feel like I am 60 and that is my fault, because really what is stopping me from being happy go lucky? Life is for the living, and you are only as old as you want to be. Last year, I shared 28 lessons I learned from turning 28 but this year I have just one; find some time to find yourself. Don’t be like me, so caught up in other people that you forget yourself, we only have one life, and there are no dress rehearsals or do overs. Choose yourself, it’s time!.

“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”
Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

We ain’t never gettin’ older!…” The Chainsmokers

On Broken Teeth and Broken Roofs..

So I mentioned a while ago that my tooth mysteriously broke right? Right. So this tooth broke and I was living in terrible pain for months. My nerves were exposed so I could neither eat nor drink nor chew nor even smile. I was in deep torment but I did not want to deal with the extraction. However, last week I bit the bullet and went in for a tooth extraction and though I am still recovering from the process, I feel awesome! I feel so relieved, I am gradually able to chew again, to smile again, to do all those things I couldn’t do and it has been bliss.

Now, let us liken a broken or decayed tooth to the friends we have. The Bible tells us of a man who was paralyzed and bed ridden and was in a very helpless situation. His friends heard that the Lord Jesus was in town and they took their friend to go see him. When they got there the place was so packed that there was literally no path to carry their bed ridden friend inside the building. When it seemed like all hope was lost, they looked up and saw the roof and then they climbed up to what I will assume was someone else’s house and they broke the roof. When the roof caved in, they lowered their friend in until he lay at the feet of Jesus. Of course this caught the Lord’s attention and when he looked at the faith of his friends, the sheer ferocity with which they believed that He would heal their friend, He said the word and the man who had been carried in through the roof, got up and walked.

This is to me is friendship, love in its purest form. When they got the house and found it full, they could have been discouraged and left but they didn’t, they broke the damn roof of a building that did not belong to them! They did the impossible, they believed for their friend who did not believe as much as they did and that singular act brought about their friends healing. Let me ask you what I have been asking myself; will the friends you have right now break the roof for you literally or figuratively? Will they go the extra mile to see that all is well with you? Do they pray for you, correct you, encourage you, cover in you love, defend you and put your needs above their own? Will they open their home to you if you need shelter or their wallets to you when you are in need? If they do not, then perhaps this is worth thinking about. I do not take friendship lightly, I never have. It is a sacred bond, and a very big deal to open up to someone, let them in, and tell them your deepest thoughts and dreams, to love them even when they sometimes hurt you, to tell them things about you and your past that very few people on earth know, not even your parents! that to me is sacred and is not an opportunity to be given at random.

My tooth was broken and hurting and it had to go. People that add no value to you have to go. I have been asking myself how good a friend I am; will I break the roof for my friends? I will also be the first to admit that I am not always a good friend, I become so self involved in my own issues and I forget that others need me and are going through issues too, and I am trying to change. I have few friends, and I love them and pray for them and cover them as much as I can, I will not rest on my oars though, I will keep striving till I become that friend that the Bible teaches us about, the friend that sticks closer than a brother/sister.

Ps: My beautiful, precious, adorable niece is here and I will share her pictures and her birth story in the next post so watch this space!

True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island… to find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him or her is a blessing.”- Baltasar Gracian