30 And Oh! So Thankful.


So yesterday, I turned 30. It was also the first birthday since I turned twenty five that I didn’t cry or feel unaccomplished. I did not have one cloud in my sky yesterday, I actually had a beautiful day! You know, I didn’t set out to. I honestly assumed that anxiety would kick in and I would be again faced with all the things I still hadn’t done, blah blah blah. Ordinarily, I would have but as soon as I opened my eyes, I was filled with a sense of pure joy and gratitude to God. I really cannot explain it  but it was deep and so real. I didn’t even have to try to smile or put up a front pretending that I was happy when I was wailing inside. Every smile, every laughter came from deep within my soul and was as real as can ever be.


Maybe I have indeed gotten wiser with my new age, but really what is the point of being filled regrets and what ifs? I wasn’t supposed to make it to my first birthday, how much more my thirtieth because the Dr didn’t think I would make it, but I have survived and I am still surviving. I have survived pain, depression, the loss of loved ones, bitter disappointments, I have gotten my heart broken, and I have cried and cried but still I am here, alive, healthy! Eye brows thriving, edges growing, my point is I am here even when I didn’t think I would be.



The only regret I do have is all the time I have spent crying and whining for things that are in the past and cannot be changed. I have made mistakes and learned from them, and it is time to move forward, bright eyed and optimistic and completely sure that my life is about to become everything I know it will be. Yesterday was amazing, I can officially say I have the best family and friends a girl could ever ask for! They went out of their way to make sure I had a swell time! To my sister who is a million miles away and still managed to sneak a surprise past me, my darling friend Tosin still million miles away, still sending cakes and candles, I love you all! Thank you. For every call, message and gift I am truly grateful. For those who forgot, next year you’ll remember. My path in life has never been more clear, I am so ready. Ready for  love, ready for life, ready to fall, ready to rise, ready to learn, to dream, to hope, I am standing here at the threshold of the beauty I know my life will be, arms stretched, eyes looking up to God, and ready to take on the world.

Happy birthday to me!

“what if we lived everyday like it was our birthday?…” Anonymous

Get To Know Me, Again!…


Hi guys! I know, I know. If you had a dollar for every time I disappeared and reappeared, you’d all be fairly rich!!! It’s been an intense couple of months, but I thought I would stay still long enough to gather my thoughts and put them down. Having said that, please, pretty please, love me again…*insert fluttering lashes*


So I know I have done a random facts about me post before, but that feels like a life time ago and a lot has changed since then. I am still me, but with a few new quirks, a few grey hairs *wailing copiously* and new favorite things. Here goes: recently, I have found myself making new friends. The old me didn’t care much, I might see someone on social media or in real life that I like but I would be thoroughly unbothered to try to get to know them, but these days I just go for it and I must say I have met some truly amazing human beings and I love it! My love for makeup has resurrected from the dead. Yup! You read that right. I used to loooove makeup before, always obsessing over my brows and my lips and all that but somewhere in my mid twenties I just stopped. At first I was going through a breakup, so heartbroken and did not care if my brows aligned or that my lips were chapped. Then I got better and got over it but I never really got back into the art of makeup again, I mean I would barely draw my brows, slap on eyeliner and sheer lip gloss and call it a day! Things like foundation and concealer were as foreign to my brain as further maths and I never knew if there was any going back but then, boom! I woke up one morning and took a hard look at my face and said nope! This crap has got to stop and so I went on youtube and also took notes from my good friend who is a makeup artist and voila! The girl is back. These days, I actually sit down to conceal my brows and contour my face, who would have thought? Yup! You guessed it, Adaugo got her groove back!!!


In case you forgot what I look like...

I am still obsessed with novels, but guys guess what? My love for Danielle Steele has greatly dwindled. Somewhere along the way her books just got too serious and I found myself gravitating back to Nora Roberts and back to happy, bright and shiny and romantic books. I recently discovered Sophie Kinsella and I am blown away by her.


Still love perfumes (that will never change) still love jewellery and red nail polish, I am still a badass cook; my cooking skills are getting better and better(my brothers will testify!) still obsessed with TV series but I must admit that I am completely, irrevocably over Grey’s Anatomy! I know I was the number one fan of the show but come on! All my cherished characters are dead and I just quit. My current number one is This Is It. Gosh! I cry every episode and I love it. It is just so beautifully written and really, there is no flaw.


photo credit: Google

I am still in love with Game of Thrones(I might need therapy cos it’s the last season) and all the usual suspects. Still obsessed with frozen grapes (although Lagos and erratic power supply won’t allow me to be great) still winning the daily battle with depression and anxiety and allowing the peace of God to reign in my heart and calm my soul and for the grand finale….*drum roll* I have a nephew!!! On the 16th of February, my sister gave me a bouncing baby boy and I am completely and utterly awestruck and in love.


meet my yummy nephew: Baby Philip

There you have it my people. Hope I haven’t changed too much?

They always say time changes thing, but you actually have to change them yourself…”– Andy Warhol

For My Father’s Mother: Mama Ekaette.

The women in my family are strong, hardworking, affectionate and powerful in their own rights. Truly, in my eyes they are all heroines and their stories deserve to be told. Follow me on this journey as I try to bring  to life these women both dead and alive who have made me who I am today…

Mrs. Catherine Ekaette Uwanaka was my grandmother from my father’s side. She was one of the bravest, kindest and most loving person I ever met and losing her was very painful. My grandma was a conundrum. I could never really understand the way she thought sometimes but she always made perfect sense to me. She was a very very discreet woman who believed that everything should be said in hushed tones and that not all thoughts should be said out loud.


When my sister and I were much younger, my parents sent us home to her for every long vacation and she insisted that we leave our English language behind in the city and adapt to her way of life. She would take us to the farm and the market and we could never keep up with her startlingly fast paced steps. For an old woman, she walked very briskly and we always ran to catch up with her. I remember vividly one time I went somewhere with her and on our way home we saw a man who was deaf and dumb. I asked her: mama, is that man deaf and dumb? She was so embarrassed because she was very proper and didn’t like to talk about other people. She looked at me sternly and asked me if I needed a microphone to ask the whole community my question! And then she burst out laughing. It wasn’t until we got home that she quietly said: yes my daughter, he was indeed deaf and dumb…

My grandma was the most enduring woman I know. She got married very early, was widowed very early and buried five of her children in her life time, still she was always cheerful and completely submissive to the will of God in her life. She taught me how to forgive quickly and completely and she was a perfect example of never keeping a grudge. She taught me how to cook by the fire, how to plant a seed, how to pray in my native language, how to sit. She had her quirks, oh she sure had them. My grandma would never throw away anything! She saved everything. One time she went to Church with the price tag hanging out from her scarf! We had a really good laugh about that one. She drank a cup of tea with every meal. She would reheat the tea over and over and over…She was our angel, but she wasn’t without her flaws. She would conceal rather than confront, she always wanted everything to be hush hush and sometimes she would rather be quiet than speak up and give correction. That is probably the only flaw she ever had. Oh! She was gracious and very grateful for every little thing given to her. I remember giving her a wrist watch that my mother had given to me, she wore it till she died. Mama danced her gratitude whenever she was given anything regardless of what it was. She absolutely hated red nail polish, long nails and loud makeup, she believed completely in modesty and God knows I loved her deeply for all the lessons she instilled in me.

She has been gone for  many years now, but if I close my eyes, I can still see her standing at the gate of our country home, screaming her welcome and full of hugs whenever we came home from the city. I can remember her long hugs and prayers and her deep sadness whenever it was time for us to go back…and if I listen hard enough, I can hear her saying the Grace in our language: “amara nke onye nwe anyi Jesus Christ, ihunanya nke Chineke, na nmeko nke mmuonso. Nna duru anyi ugbua ruo na mgbe ebiebi…amen.”

I love you mama, I will always miss you.

On Broken Teeth and Broken Roofs..

So I mentioned a while ago that my tooth mysteriously broke right? Right. So this tooth broke and I was living in terrible pain for months. My nerves were exposed so I could neither eat nor drink nor chew nor even smile. I was in deep torment but I did not want to deal with the extraction. However, last week I bit the bullet and went in for a tooth extraction and though I am still recovering from the process, I feel awesome! I feel so relieved, I am gradually able to chew again, to smile again, to do all those things I couldn’t do and it has been bliss.

Now, let us liken a broken or decayed tooth to the friends we have. The Bible tells us of a man who was paralyzed and bed ridden and was in a very helpless situation. His friends heard that the Lord Jesus was in town and they took their friend to go see him. When they got there the place was so packed that there was literally no path to carry their bed ridden friend inside the building. When it seemed like all hope was lost, they looked up and saw the roof and then they climbed up to what I will assume was someone else’s house and they broke the roof. When the roof caved in, they lowered their friend in until he lay at the feet of Jesus. Of course this caught the Lord’s attention and when he looked at the faith of his friends, the sheer ferocity with which they believed that He would heal their friend, He said the word and the man who had been carried in through the roof, got up and walked.

This is to me is friendship, love in its purest form. When they got the house and found it full, they could have been discouraged and left but they didn’t, they broke the damn roof of a building that did not belong to them! They did the impossible, they believed for their friend who did not believe as much as they did and that singular act brought about their friends healing. Let me ask you what I have been asking myself; will the friends you have right now break the roof for you literally or figuratively? Will they go the extra mile to see that all is well with you? Do they pray for you, correct you, encourage you, cover in you love, defend you and put your needs above their own? Will they open their home to you if you need shelter or their wallets to you when you are in need? If they do not, then perhaps this is worth thinking about. I do not take friendship lightly, I never have. It is a sacred bond, and a very big deal to open up to someone, let them in, and tell them your deepest thoughts and dreams, to love them even when they sometimes hurt you, to tell them things about you and your past that very few people on earth know, not even your parents! that to me is sacred and is not an opportunity to be given at random.

My tooth was broken and hurting and it had to go. People that add no value to you have to go. I have been asking myself how good a friend I am; will I break the roof for my friends? I will also be the first to admit that I am not always a good friend, I become so self involved in my own issues and I forget that others need me and are going through issues too, and I am trying to change. I have few friends, and I love them and pray for them and cover them as much as I can, I will not rest on my oars though, I will keep striving till I become that friend that the Bible teaches us about, the friend that sticks closer than a brother/sister.

Ps: My beautiful, precious, adorable niece is here and I will share her pictures and her birth story in the next post so watch this space!

True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island… to find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him or her is a blessing.”- Baltasar Gracian


Why I Won’t Give Up…

So my brothers and I have this inside joke, whenever I start to tell a story that they have heard a hundred times before, they start to sing “story of my life, searching for the right”…(I know, it’s only funny if you hear them sing it)

6:10 am; standing in front of my bathroom mirror, toothbrush in hand, trying to gather myself to start my day. My tooth was throbbing so hard I was very afraid to put the toothbrush in my mouth. So I stood there for a while, and then I did what children do when they are in pain, I called my mother. She cheered me up, told me to be a big girl, brush my teeth and get on with my day but before she hung up, she said; wait, let me tell you a story of why you should never give up, Insert music; ” story of my life”…


December 1988, Olodi Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria. I had been sick for months, been admitted at LUTH for several months, I was not getting any better and the doctors gave up. They told my mum to take me home and let nature take its course. My fever was so high that my mother couldn’t sleep a wink, she had been up for days and she was exhausted but this particular day she was really tired and had to catch a quick nap. She had barely closed her eyes when she heard my cousin screaming for her, yelling at the top of her lungs because I had stopped breathing. My mum did not even look to see if it was true or not, her daughter was dying and she was terrified so she ran, she ran out the door into the street, wailing and crying for help, she was so overwhelmed and all she could do was cry.

I was convulsing again, and this time my jaws had locked up and my airway was completely blocked. Mama Chiago, one of our neighbors had heard my mum wailing and she ran into our house; she and my dad managed to pry my jaw open and administered medication to me. My parents weren’t even born again at the time, but my mum said she could remember my dad praying from the depths of his soul saying” Amarachukwu, you will not die! Not today, please God not today. It is safe to say that God answered that prayer because here I am today!


My mother,my hero

My mum told me that after that day, I never had another seizure and I thrived and grew like I was supposed to. She recollects holding me for hours, looking at  my tired little face, bruised and battered from the efforts to pry my jaw open and just weeping and thanking God for sparing her little girl’s life. Amara, If God didn’t want you here, He would have taken you that day, you are here today for a reason. You went through that, you can go through anything! You see why the woman is my best friend? Anyway after we hung up, I braced myself, took a couple of pain pills, finally brushed my teeth and went about my day with a huge smile on my face. My tooth might ache like hell, my life might be going in the opposite direction from where I planned for it to go, 2016 might have been a whirlwind of tears and low moments; but I won’t give up! I have come too far from where I started from, God has been my God through all of it, and He didn’t bring me this far to leave me…

Don’t give up, not when the sun is just about to shine. 2017 will be our best year yet… ps: this is a heartfelt thank you to Mama Chiago, God bless you wherever you are today!

Fall seven times and stand up eight.”- Japanese Proverb

A Stranger’s Kindness


Dear Diary,

It was a really long day. Emotionally tasking and physically draining. Walking to the bus station seemed like a herculean task and as I struggled to put one foot in front of the other, I found myself doing that which came naturally to me; crying. So I stood there, in the middle of Lindbergh station, bawling my eyes out, feeling the weight in every inch of my body. I could care less if anyone was watching me cry, I just knew I needed to ease the tight feeling in my chest and too bad if I was on the road. It was a windy day and my tears dried before they reached my lips, leaving streaks in my makeup and what was left of my eyeliner, I looked a mess.


I needed to blow my nose so bad so I dug frantically in my handbag looking for tissue and I could not find any, somehow that made me even sadder. Now this is America, if you strip naked on the road people will probably walk right through you, because everyone is always in motion, and they just keep moving. Still digging through my bag in a frenzy, I felt a hand on my shoulder and the person said to me; here, you need this and handed me a pack of tissue. I took it buried my face in it for a minute, finally feeling shame and remembering where I was. When I looked up, the person who handed me the tissue was a man, dressed as a woman, make up and all.

He led me to the nearest park bench and asked me what was wrong and if I wanted to talk about it and the words came spewing from nowhere and we talked and talked. The bus came and went and we did not notice, this stranger somehow, had taken my pain away. He offered to buy me coffee but the next bus had come and I really wanted to go home so I declined politely. He encouraged me some more, gave me the warmest most comforting hug and thanked me for not looking at him like a crazy person. He was walking away and I called out to him and said; thank you so much, God bless you and Jesus loves you…His eyes lit up at that and he gave me his card and walked away.

I finally got on the bus and I thought about the experience I just had with a total stranger. I  was standing in the middle of the road, crying my heart out and straight, regular people walked by without a second glance. Not that they owed me anything but still, they did not care. This man, who is kind of confused about his gender and  judged by many to be crazy was the only one that stopped to show me basic human kindness and a love that trumped race and orientation. We are often quick to judge, condemn and dismiss people based on their outward looks, quick to label and call them names forgetting that we cannot reach anyone unless we do it in love and tolerance and humility. How as a Christian, do you hope to convert an unbeliever if you refuse to associate with them or talk to them? How will you tell them of God’s love, a God they do not know and  cannot see if you who they can see refuse to show them love? We cannot change anybody by sheer will power, only the Holy Spirit can do that. Our job is to obey the greatest commandment of all, to love our neighbors and to show them the way to God’s heart through love and patience rather than condemnation and disdain, at the end of the day, we are all broken. Whether or not we admit it, we have all sinned and come short of the glory of God and we all need Jesus.

Your life style, the words you speak and how you conduct yourself might be the only Bible an unbeliever ever gets to read, your life is a message, what are you saying? I made a friend today, and somehow someday I will invite him to Church but until then, I will be loving and kind to him, to show him a glimpse of the restoring power of the Love of God.

“It’s not our job to play judge and jury, to determine who is worthy of our kindness and who is not. We just need to be kind, unconditionally and without ulterior motive, especially when we’d prefer not to be.”- Josh Radnor


Back and Better, Whole and Healed…


My people;

I am so sorry that once again I went MIA. It wasn’t intentional, I promise.  l meant to write, I really did but words failed me again and again so I just took a little break from it all. Life has taught me a couple of lessons over the past weeks that I didn’t ask for and certainly didn’t want to learn, all the things I had  been writing about battling with depression and finding joy came back to taunt me. I read those posts over and over but they didn’t help. If tears could solve anything, I would be problem and stress free, literally. But tears did not solve anything, they only left me with headaches and chest pains and no solutions. As if I wasn’t stressed enough, I woke up one morning to discover that my tooth broke while I was asleep, like actually broke into pieces, at that point I just gave up, I was done.

But I thank God for His love, and His friendship and His never ending grace because I wouldn’t be sitting here today writing this post if it wasn’t for Him. I have learned to pray for myself, to go to God and tell Him my woes instead of asking friends to pray for me. I have learned to depend solely on God because the people I found myself depending and leaning on also needed people to lean on as well and you can’t lean too much because as our people say, “lean on me no be press me die”.


I’m obsessed with this app, totally random I know but download prisma and thank me later!

While I was busy letting the devil win and wallowing in depression, I had no clue the battle that God was fighting for me. Anyone who remotely knows me will testify to the fact that my mother is my best friend after God. So imagine my reaction when she called to tell me she had a close shave with death. I felt a million feelings at once, the most paramount of them being immense gratitude. What if I had lost my mum? All those other issues I was depressed about would have seemed like a needle dropping in a hay stack! Right there and then, my sorrows turned into joy and I finally saw the reasoning behind thanking God for all the things that He will and will not do.

So for all intents and purposes, I am back! And this is also my chance to say a heartfelt thank you to every one of you that reached out to me. I treasure those emails and it helped more than you’ll ever know… if you’re ever battling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please I beg of you pray. Pray and pray and pray and after praying call your mother, or your best friend, or email me I will reply swiftly. Don’t sit and let those thoughts overwhelm you, they are lies from the pit of hell and no matter how dark it gets, the sun will shine again.

Getting better from depression demands a lifelong commitment. I’ve made that commitment for my life’s sake and for the sake of those who love me.” -Susan Polis Schutz

What you believe is very powerful. If you have toxic emotions of fear, guilt and depression, it is because you have wrong thinking, and you have wrong thinking because of wrong believing.” -Joseph Prince