Some truths aren’t easy to admit, or share, or write. They weigh a ton, sitting there until one day you decide it’s going to be the day of your freedom and then you let it all out. Today is one of those days for me.
I want to be dramatic and say I was a troubled teen who wore only black and listened to punk rock music, but that would be stretching the narrative. The truth is I was indeed a troubled teen, mad at the world, filled with so much rage, fighting demons only I could see and I was losing the battle. You see, I was dealing with the mental torture of abuse, and I couldn’t really tell anyone. Nobody really saw me or had an inkling that I was fighting, nobody except my sister. She repeatedly asked me but I sent her away so much that she stopped asking. Then I got mad at her for stopping, you see how messed up I was?
So, I was living my life in bondage and pain and one day shortly after my sixteenth birthday, I decided to take a break from life. The thought of suicide became so glamorous to me. It seemed like this end, this peace, this respite from life and pain. The devil filled my idle mind with how blissful it would be and how much peace I’d have when I died. So, I wrote a note, and decided to go for it but mercy said no.
We had a weekly morning service at Church; Moments of Mercy. My mum made us go every week, no excuse. The service was short and sweet because people had to go to school and work afterwards. So that morning was no exception. I got to Church and sat at the back, willing the service to be over so I could finalize my stupid plans, but the joke was on me because that was the day that Grace found me.
It was as if someone had told my Pastor my plans, I remember crying and thinking, how can he know??? Who told him??? I cried and cried. After the teaching, he made an altar call, I don’t even remember how I got to the altar, but there I was in my green dress, bawling my eyes out, completely overwhelmed by the grace, mercy and love of God. I gave my life to Christ that day and God saved my life, literally saved me from myself.
The journey since then hasn’t been hitch free, not even remotely; but the difference is that God’s grace is always there. His love is unrelenting and never ending, actually our little minds cannot comprehend the love that God has for us.
So this is not an abstract post telling you not to give up, this is coming from a place where I have walked. I can tell you with absolute certainty that I have been there, in that place of depression and pain and wanting out, but I can also tell you that I have seen the Grace of God, I can tell you that I have seen the face of God in my sister who wouldn’t let me go, in my family that loves me unconditionally, in my friends who instinctively know when something is not right with me. I have seen God in my niece when she wraps her tiny hands around my neck, in dogs when they run up to me and lick my hands. When life gets overwhelming and dark, just look up, look up to the sky and see that the God that changes night to day, will never give up on you. You’re not alone, it’s not hopeless and no matter how dark it gets, the sun will shine again.
Fun fact: The literal meaning of my name Amarachukwu is the Grace of GOD…