This Constant Struggle…

This is a subject that is deeply personal to me and it is my hope that anyone out there going through a similar situation will read this and know that they are not alone. For so many years I have struggled with this, walked in this valley and shed a river of tears but I have come to realize that the only person holding me back is me.

Life as a plus sized person has not been the easiest and like I already mentioned has been a constant struggle for me. From the hurtful comments to the thinly veiled sarcasms to outright insults its been hard to just be. People seem to forget that words hurt. Actual physical pain can come from a few words that come from someone’s mouth. “You really need to watch your weight”. “You are a very beautiful girl but if only you were slimmer”. “Ah! as fat as you are you still eat? pls stop eating.”  “I would have bought you the dress but your size was unavailable”. All these sentences have been said to me and in very recent times too, by friends, and sometimes strangers. They are usually accompanied with laughter and a series of “I am just kidding oh!”  but they have been said nevertheless.

Society has a definition of beautiful and its getting smaller and smaller these days. Its why people, especially women all over the world are bending over backwards, not minding the costs to fit themselves into what society thinks they should be.

How did I get here? I didn’t make any conscious decision to be fat, somehow over the years, the scales kept shifting and it didn’t even occur to me that maybe it was time to make a change until recently. I am not absolving myself of blame. I should have taken some steps to prevent it, and I didn’t so its on me but I don’t need any constant reminders especially from people I barely know.

It took a recent trip to the Doctor to open my eyes to the fact that It was time to make a change and make it fast and I am. I am making those changes. Changing my habits has been a slow and painful process but I am. I am consciously making those changes and I am confident that they will pay off soon,God helping me.

Do I ever want to be skinny? No! I have come to a stage in my life where I don’t care so much anymore of what people think I am or who they think I should be. I want to live a long and healthy life and I am working towards it and with God on my side I will make it.

I am beautiful, inside and out. I am smart, kind, easygoing and happy go lucky. If you cant look beyond my body and see me for me, then that’s not on me.

I am thankful to my mother, my sister and my brothers, my aunts and my friends who have stood by me all these years. Do they tell me I need to loose weight? Yes they do. but do they smirk about it, call me names and be crude about it? No and this is why I am deeply thankful to them. My mother tells me I am a star, her star and she makes me feel like a million bucks and that makes it all better. I have a great support system and I am blessed.

So, to anyone reading this who is big, people will stare, ask you pay extra on buses, make crude comments about you even when you try to jog on the road side, but take a page from my book, lose the weight for all the right reasons, lose the weight for you, for your health not because anyone thinks you should or because that’s the only way you can be beautiful or acceptable.

Above all, love yourself because if you don’t, nobody else will.

The Chronicles Of A Girl That Lives On The Mainland And Works On The Island…Part 1

TRAFFIC!

So for the past year and a half I have been working on the Island, the famous Lagos Island, this series will carry you along on what I have been going through.

Beep beep beep!.. my alarm goes off at 4:30am every day, and while I struggle to tear myself away from my warm, delicious bed, I offer up a small prayer and hope that somehow I would be able to turn back the hands of time but alas, I cannot! Thanks a lot R Kelly, the hands of time cannot be turned… I get up and who do I see? my sister. She works on the mainland so its easy for her to snuggle deeper and mumble: Pls turn off the light before you leave. My brain is still way too foggy to form a sentence so I head to the bathroom instead.

Fast forward some 45 minutes later, I am out the door with my brother in tow. (He walks me to the bus stop every morning) I board the bus and try to catch a few power naps, but between the bus conductor’s ranting and the extremely bumpy roads, that is almost impossible.

Miraculously, I arrive to work fairly awake and alert, and after hastily putting on my make up (on the days I bother to put on any), I face the day. Thankfully, I love my job and my colleagues and that makes the day go by quite nicely.

6pm time to go…thanks to waiting for the Lekki shuttle to the gate, it takes another 10 -15 minutes to get out of Lekki. Finally me and my friend/colleague get on the bus. It takes about 2 hours, Chipsy plantain chips, laughter and some music to go through the Third Mainland Bridge, We have been on that bridge so much that we know the nooks and crannies of it. We even attempt to calculate how long we might spend on the bridge and most times, we are right.

Finally I get home and all I want to do is sleep, but I have to check in with my mum and my siblings and get set for the next day before reuniting with my bed which I have sorely missed,

Its cruel how the time speeds by because I am barely asleep before the alarm goes off again…

To be continued…

When In Rome…

This is a short and random post

 I am in Katsina State at the moment and its so refreshingly serene… No traffic, No horns, no generator noises, everyone walks calmly, no rush! makes me realize how rowdy Lagos is. A whole new cuisine too, I have been sampling some of the local delicacies, yum yum.

On the drive from Kano to Katsina, it dawned on me again how beautiful and blessed Nigeria is. Being here is making me regret my reluctance to learn other languages asides from my native language because it would have been really nice if I could speak Hausa, well there is still time to learn I think…

The weather is dry though, thats the downside for me as both my nostrils are blocked and I can barely breathe, it was breaking my hair too so I had to weave it. I also had to cover my hair in deference to their culture, because like the saying goes: ” when in Rome, do as the Romans do”IMG_20141016_131356

My Simbi goes to school hair do...

My Simbi goes to school hair do…

Why Am I Here?

I thought I knew what I wanted very early in life. I knew what age I wanted to finish from the university, intended course of study, career path, when I wanted to get married and how many kids I wanted to have. I knew all these thinQuestion_markgs, dreamt about them and in my naivety  I was so sure they would pan out exactly how I thought they would. 

Over the years, things seem to have gone in a totally different direction, all my lofty dreams and visions have gone unrealised and I have adjusted my numerous checklists so many times that I have lost count. Alot of questions have been on my mind…If all my plans had gone the way I had hoped they would, I might have been married, might have been having my second baby and managing my career at the same time but after all that, what would have been next??? 

What was I created to be? Wife, Mother and? I wish there were answers, I wish I knew. I believe I was made for a reason but for the life of me I have no idea what that is…am I the only one going through this? who is unsure as to what exactly the point of all this is? 

Give it time, thats what everyone says so thats what I will do, I shall keep praying to God too, He made me so He has all the answers. In the mean time, I’ll live each day trying to impact someone, to bring a smile to someone’s face and to do whatever my hand finds to do to the best of my ability.

“Somehow, we’ll find it. The balance between whom we wish to be and whom we need to be. But for now, we simply have to be satisfied with who we are.”
Brandon Sanderson, The Hero of Ages

Photo credit: assassinscreed.wikia.com

What friendship Means To Me

Some years ago I got into the University and I knew no one. There was not a single familiar face and it was tough spending my early days in school alone. For someone as outgoing as myself, I was so convinced that I was going to make a lot of friends very quickly but it was not so, Sooner or later, I met six amazing individuals and I will try to use our story to explain what friendship means to me…

Jainee, Sef, Mims, Ebi, Lolu and Ohaks; anybody who knew me in school knew these girls along with me. We went every where together, ate almost every meal together, went to church together, sometimes even the Library! Guys were scared to walk up to us because we were intimidating, well so they said … There were very few things that we did not do together, and though we were seldom in the same hostel, it made no difference. Now, it wasn’t all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns, we had fights, very major fights that we didn’t even know we could get back from, but we did and it made us even stronger.

School was bearable thanks to them and soon we became sisters, we knew each others parents and families and it was hard to to believe we only met in school. We each had very different personalities. I was the bubbly one, the outgoing and goofy one. Jainee, half nerd, half dancer…one of the best dancers in school then, Roommate at some point and my fellow Indomie Noodles chef. Sef was the reserved one with big dreams about establishing a fashion empire which by the way she’s now on her way to doing. Mims had an adventurous streak, and was never afraid to try any thing new. Lolu, quiet and prayerful and not as goofy as the rest of us, Ebi was probably the most serious one of us all, very prayerful, she was our Chaplain and many evenings of Bible studies happened in her room, and then Ohaks. Ohaks danced alot too, and she had a creative imagination. She held us spellbound with her stories and always had something quirky to say.

One of the best things about our friendship is laughter. We laughed so hard sometimes, we cried. We laughed all the time, and everywhere even at meal times. People who listen to us speak will think we are probably stroke victims because of the way we talk when we are together, hard for others to decipher and it is often impossible to read chats between Jainee and myself because of our lingua.

Then life happened…school ended, and NYSC came, soon jobs came and it became impossible to catch up. Everyone was living their lives and for a moment we lost sight of what we had in school. The beauty of it is that though we are far away from each other, somehow we are making it work.  Ebi is in the UK and is almost a Dr. I’m so proud of her, Jainee has a demanding career that took her to far away China at some point and so does Mims and Ohaks, Sef is a proud business owner and she deals in what she knows best which is fashion. Lolu is a happy wife and mother to an adorable little girl. God has blessed us all and even though we don’t see each other or speak as often as we would love to, it feels good to know that they are always there and just a phone call away.

I have other friends who mean the world to me too( My heart is that big, yes!) and I am thankful for each and everyone of them, they are way too numerous to mention and I love them all…

What does friendship mean to me?

Friendship means trust, it means love, it means sacrifice and it means commitment… I am blessed with friends that support me, motivate me and encourage me. If you don’t have friends that pray for you and support you and tell you the truth even if you don’t want to hear it, then you need to re-evaluate as fast as you can.

Show me your friends, and I will show you who you are. I am proud to show mine anywhere, they are a worthy reflection…

Enjoy your week!

Not So Random Tip: If you live in Abuja, stop by at Suite A56 Area 11 Shopping Mall, 2nd Floor above Fidelity Bank, Ahmadu Bello Way, Area 11 Garki, Abuja. BB pin: 74672FB3, IG: @bellabrandfashion…That’s my friend Sef’s store details, and if you tell her you saw it here, you just might get a discount!