This Constant Struggle…

This is a subject that is deeply personal to me and it is my hope that anyone out there going through a similar situation will read this and know that they are not alone. For so many years I have struggled with this, walked in this valley and shed a river of tears but I have come to realize that the only person holding me back is me.

Life as a plus sized person has not been the easiest and like I already mentioned has been a constant struggle for me. From the hurtful comments to the thinly veiled sarcasms to outright insults its been hard to just be. People seem to forget that words hurt. Actual physical pain can come from a few words that come from someone’s mouth. “You really need to watch your weight”. “You are a very beautiful girl but if only you were slimmer”. “Ah! as fat as you are you still eat? pls stop eating.”Β  “I would have bought you the dress but your size was unavailable”. All these sentences have been said to me and in very recent times too, by friends, and sometimes strangers. They are usually accompanied with laughter and a series of “I am just kidding oh!”Β  but they have been said nevertheless.

Society has a definition of beautiful and its getting smaller and smaller these days. Its why people, especially women all over the world are bending over backwards, not minding the costs to fit themselves into what society thinks they should be.

How did I get here? I didn’t make any conscious decision to be fat, somehow over the years, the scales kept shifting and it didn’t even occur to me that maybe it was time to make a change until recently. I am not absolving myself of blame. I should have taken some steps to prevent it, and I didn’t so its on me but I don’t need any constant reminders especially from people I barely know.

It took a recent trip to the Doctor to open my eyes to the fact that It was time to make a change and make it fast and I am. I am making those changes. Changing my habits has been a slow and painful process but I am. I am consciously making those changes and I am confident that they will pay off soon,God helping me.

Do I ever want to be skinny? No! I have come to a stage in my life where I don’t care so much anymore of what people think I am or who they think I should be. I want to live a long and healthy life and I am working towards it and with God on my side I will make it.

I am beautiful, inside and out. I am smart, kind, easygoing and happy go lucky. If you cant look beyond my body and see me for me, then that’s not on me.

I am thankful to my mother, my sister and my brothers, my aunts and my friends who have stood by me all these years. Do they tell me I need to loose weight? Yes they do. but do they smirk about it, call me names and be crude about it? No and this is why I am deeply thankful to them. My mother tells me I am a star, her star and she makes me feel like a million bucks and that makes it all better. I have a great support system and I am blessed.

So, to anyone reading this who is big, people will stare, ask you pay extra on buses, make crude comments about you even when you try to jog on the road side, but take a page from my book, lose the weight for all the right reasons, lose the weight for you, for your health not because anyone thinks you should or because that’s the only way you can be beautiful or acceptable.

Above all, love yourself because if you don’t, nobody else will.

17 thoughts on “This Constant Struggle…

  1. Thank you for this beautiful write-up, It cuts across women of all shapes and sizes. We must learn to love ourselves, including our flaws and strengths; and find ways to change the things that we can and live with the things we cannot change.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. AngelEyez says:

    Beautiful write up sis. It takes knowing you to know this piece came straight from your heart. Some of us love you just the way you are. And you know what they say, those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.
    Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. onyiloha Ezindu says:

    Awwwwww!!!!! #Amazing.

    still struggling too,it hasn’t being easy but I must say every step n stage has been worth it, just stay strong n focused, you sure will definitely get dia. Amara you sure rock u truly know your onion.# keeponwritingDivaAmara

    Liked by 1 person

  4. mozki says:

    Wonderful write up dear, I grew up praying and wanting to be like my cousin cos everyone loved him…. Loving me was a struggle too. I was touched by your work, thank you!

    Like

  5. Kay-kay says:

    I have seen Amara only once, spoken to her a few times on the phone and chatted with her on BBM quite often. I will never forget the warmth, laughter and good cheer she brought with her on that ride to work on an otherwise rainy and cold day. I will never forget her wisecracks and supersmart comebacks. I don’t know much, but I know that she’s a beautiful (I’ve told her often), wonderful person. Can somebody tell the Lioness that she need not lose sleep over the opinions of sheep? Can somebody tell her that it is a huge consolation that she could so easily blog her struggle when millions wouldnt dare whisper theirs?

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I can relate to your struggle.. I was heavy all my life, school was relentless.. I was 270 pounds.. people around me could eat all they wanted and be a twig.. one day I started walking instead of taking the bus.. I cut everything I ate in half.. and sipped green tea.. I lost 120 pounds.. and it sure was not over night like some say you can achieve if you only “buy” their product.
    I see you as a beautiful woman.. but if you are not content in your body.. I am believing you will achieve your goals in weight loss!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh wow! Mary Ann…everytime I read a comment from you, it feels like a warm hug.. thank you so much! It’s something I’m still working on…I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve seriously slacked in my efforts…thank you so much❀

      Liked by 1 person

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