Rock Bottom

There’s light they say 

There’s light at the end of the tunnel

Yeah, yeah

I’ve heard it all before…

Where’s this light?

Each day brings a new hurdle,

One day, one trouble 

Quit while I’m ahead,

That’s what I’ll do…

But then a good friend comes along

Chin up! She says

There’s hope, there’s Jesus 

So there’s hope.

Wipe those tears, smile instead 

And remember, that it’ll be ok!

Cos’ that’s the beauty of hitting rock bottom…

There’s no where left to go but up!

And smile I will, cos now I know 

That there’s certainly light

At the end of this tunnel…

Adaugo 2016

Where’s The Love?

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These past couple of days have gone by in a blur really; I can only attempt to imagine what the family of the victims of the Orlando shooting must be going through. It’s extremely difficult to make sense of such a needless and oh so tragic disaster. I will never understand what prompted a man to decide to kill all those people, just because.

It’s even more disheartening to see and hear some of the reactions from people who actually approve of the killing, of people who do not see anything wrong in this horrific crime of hate that was carried out against innocent people who just went out for a night in the town. I know that this is an extremely sensitive situation, but in the words of The Black Eyed Peas, where’s the love? Where is the compassion and the humanity?

I am Christian and I believe in every word that is written in the Holy Bible, so I am very much aware of the fact that the Bible doesn’t condone homosexuality, but neither does it condone fornication, adultery, lust, rape, pedophilia, necrophilia, and the host of them all. Instead of condemnation and hate crimes and name calling, how about compassion, how about love? And prayers that God will step in and help? Since we are judging, would we rather an individual that violates little innocent children? That rapes helpless women? Or two adults who consent to live a certain life style?

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My heart and prayers go out to the families and loved ones who are in deep mourning over this senseless loss, I can only hope that God will give them the strength and grace to pull through. It is our Christian duty to love, to show compassion, to uplift in prayer and to correct in love because unless God convicts a person and touches their hearts, nothing we say or do will get through to them. I do not condone the sin, but I will be compassionate and love the sinner, because I am a sinner myself in desperate need of help from God. We have to remember that we have all fallen short of the glory of God; we are all broken, in dire need of God’s love and forgiveness.

We all need Jesus.

“Man has ceased to be man
  Man has become beast
  Man has become prey.”Oswald Mbuyiseni Mtshali

I Do? III

The long awaited final part… please see part one here and part 2 here

…Titi was a nervous wreck. It was amazing to her how no one saw or felt the turmoil she was battling inside. Chudi was so supportive and loving and so eager to start his life with her that he just assumed that Titi’s aloof behavior  was her way of dealing with all the wedding stress.  Beep, beep, beep… Titi was jerked back to reality by the reminder that just went off on her phone, : shoot! I have my makeup trial today, she mumbled to herself as she fumbled for her car keys and rushed off to Ikeja for her appointment with her makeup artist.

She was half way on third mainland bridge when she just started shivering and crying inconsolably. The hawkers and people in other cars looked at her funny but she didn’t care, she just sat there bawling her eyes out, she was having the most severe cramps she had ever had in her life and deep down in her heart she knew that something was wrong with the baby. It took all of Titi’s concentration for her to drive and cry at the same time. With one hand on her stomach and another on the steering she drove and drove, until finally she got to the clinic. Parking her car in the middle of the hospital premises was the last thing she remembered before her world went blank.

Titi, Titi can you hear me? She tried to open her eyes but she couldn’t, the lights were too bright. Lights… she croaked and the nurse walked over and turned them off. Where am I? What time is it? She seemed disoriented until it all came rushing back to her. She sat up swiftly and touched her stomach. My baby, my baby, Dr what happened to my child? Dr. Obi held her hand and looked at her sombrely, I am so sorry Titi, you suffered a miscarriage and by the time you arrived here, there was nothing we could do to save the embryo. You became unconscious because of the vast amount of blood you lost so we had to perform an emergency D&C procedure to remove the rest of the…Titi didn’t hear the rest of the doctor’s explanation. The tears came back, deep wrenching sobs. The nurses tried to console her and the doctor walked out of the room to go see his other patients.

She cried and cried till there wasn’t any tears left, she had a terrible headache and she felt empty. As she toyed with her engagement ring, a part of her was immensely relieved that she lost the baby, that the consequence of her momentary lapse of judgement with Wale, had been erased forever but another part of her mourned the loss of her child and her future with Wale. It was time for her to leave but she couldn’t drive herself, she couldn’t call her mother and she definitely couldn’t call chudi so she called bimbo, her older sister. Hello…sister Bimbo, its me. I am at the hospital and I need you to come take me home. Bimbo burst into the room walking straight to Titi, what happened? Kilode? Titi knew she couldn’t keep it to herself anymore and so she told her sister the whole story. How she went to see Wale and one thing led to another and she found out she was pregnant, wale had no clue and neither did her fiancée Chudi.

Hmmmm… Bimbo took a very deep breath and looked at her sister with blatant dismay. How could you Titi? You are engaged to marry Chudi for heaven’s sake! And you very well know that Wale is also about to get married, why couldn’t you let sleeping dogs lie? What if you hadn’t had a miscarriage, what was your plan? Were you going to marry Chudi while carrying another man’s baby? Oh my God…she went on and on and eventually she stopped pacing and turned to Titi: you can never tell anyone about this. You will repair your makeup and I will drive you home. If mummy or daddy asks, you have menstrual cramps. Your wedding is next week and I am not about to let you ruin your life any further that you already have.

If being pregnant was bad, this was certainly worst. Every time she got a loving text or a call from Chudi her heart sank. Her wedding dress arrived and it was gorgeous. Chudi’s mum and her mum were currently out getting pedicures preparing for the big day. Only Bimbo knew how dead Titi felt inside. Against her better judgement, Titi got in her car and drove to Wale’s house, she had to tell him, he had to know, it was his child too. She sat in the drive way for hours till she finally got up and knocked. To her utter shock, it was Wale’s very pregnant fiancée that answered the door. Titi stood transfixed and she couldn’t get her mouth to form any words. Finally she mumbled; hello, is Wale home? No he’s not, who’s asking? Titi just turned around, ran to her car and drove to Chudi’s house.

He wasn’t home. He had gone for a drink with the guys at work so she sat in front of his house and waited. The soft evening breeze lulled her to sleep and she didn’t hear Chudi approach her. Hey babe, wake up. Why didn’t you use your key? She squinted at him, Chudi we need to talk. He sat beside her and took her hands and looked at her. I have been waiting for this talk for a very long time. For the past three months or more I know you haven’t been yourself and  I had hoped that one day you would tell me what’s wrong, I am listening, talk to me. So she told him, every single detail up to the miscarriage. He held her hands while she wept and tried to form coherent words to tell him everything that happened and finally she was done talking. She closed her eyes in sweet relief, feeling like a heavy load had been taken off her shoulders but the relief was closely chased by dread, fear of what Chudi was going to do.

She finally looked up at him and she saw that he had been crying too. He let go of her hands and stood up, and then he faced her and looked into her eyes; if you hadn’t miscarried would you have told me? Would have married me and led me to believe that the baby was mine? No, she said. I was going to tell you today, with or without the miscarriage. Who else have you told? Does wale know? No he doesn’t , the only person that knows is sister Bimbo and that’s because she came to get me from the hospital. Titi knew without a shadow of doubt that her future with Chudi was over, she was just waiting for him to say it and she started crying again. Hey, don’t cry. Look at me, listen..babe, I am glad you told me, and sincerely I forgive you because it could have been me. What if I was the one that cheated and got a girl pregnant, would you have left me? She shook her head no because for the first time she realized with clarity how much she truly loved Chudi. Babe, I am hurt and very angry by all that you’ve just said, but what can I say? I love you and I still want to marry you, you just have to promise me one thing, you can never see or speak to Wale again and we will never talk about this unfortunate incident ever again. Deal? Deal! She flew into his arms and wept with relief that all was well in her world, Chudi still loved her, the wedding was still on, life was good.

Chudi smiled as he hugged her, but she couldn’t see the wicked glimmer in his eyes, because what Titi could not know was that his girlfriend in the States just had a set of twins for him a couple of months ago and he had been looking for how to tell her. I guess they were even now.

The End…

 

If You’re Feelin’ Blue…

Its 3:47am, I should be asleep, but instead I’m on my phone and just as I finally decide to put my phone down, I see the picture on my home screen, it’s a picture of me and my little sweetheart Lola. Now, those who know me are very aware of the fact that dogs petrify me. I don’t play with them, I don’t look at them, I am generally not an animal lover, not since I was a kid but this dog came into my life and changed the game on me.

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Her owner went out of town for a couple of days, so we only have her for a few days, and I am actually  dreading the fact that she has to go home soon. I was safely keeping my distance until one night I went to the kitchen to get some water, and this dog set her paws on my legs and she wouldn’t let go. Took me a minute to get over my initial shock and fear to actually realize that she was just a sweet little dog who wanted to play.

How I went from not caring to worrying about her is quite baffling. I worry if she has eaten, if she likes her food, I worry that she is alone when we go out, I want to leave the lights on for her so she won’t be in the dark or get lonely. I think I might now understand the attachment some people have to their dogs, there’s just so much love and trust in their eyes. So I’ll just be honest and say I haven’t had anyone feel that way about me or vice versa in a while.

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Me and my little love…

I don’t mean to sound weird or overly emotional but these past couple of days I’ve been battling with loneliness.  My whole family is a thousand miles away from me and there aren’t any words to describe how much I miss them, add being single to the mix and it’s just a sob story. The last few weeks have been very challenging for me to say the least and so it was such a breath of fresh air and such welcome affection from a tiny little brown dog. I think in a way it’s just God’s way of reminding me that I am not as alone as I think and that it’s about time I stopped feeling sorry for myself.  Also that there is love all around me and I just have to open my heart and accept it. If you’re reading this and you are feeling a little blue like I am, this is a loving reminder that you are not alone, if you feel like nobody loves you, remember that God Himself loves you and is concerned about you, because in this crazy world we live in its so easy to forget how loved we truly are.

If I have said it a thousand times, I will say it again, you are not alone. Maybe all you need to do is to pick up your phone and call your family, or your friends who you haven’t heard from in a while. Take a walk, read a book, learn a song, try a new dish in the kitchen, dance in front of your bathroom mirror, say hi to a random stranger, whatever it takes to ease that hollow feeling in your chest, do it! Life is too short and too precious to be unhappy, and if nobody has loved you lately, be rest assured that I do.

“Why do I write? It’s not because I want people to think I am smart, or even that I am a good writer. I write because I want to end my loneliness.” – Jonathan Safran Foer

Writer’s block, an unwelcome guest…

 

I made a list of the things I wanted to do today, and it only had one item: write a post and  put it up on the blog. I set an hourly reminder on my phone and cranked the volume up so that it would annoy me until I started writing. 10am the first reminder goes off: I reach over and mute it, because I said to myself, I am not ready to write, I have nothing to say today. 11am, second reminder and I let it sing because I actually liked the alarm tone, so it rang and rang and like became irritation and so I shut it off. 12pm, I was staring at my  phone screen so I cut the alarm off the second it started to ring.

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By 3pm, I was talking to my phone as the reminder went off the umpteenth time: I don’t have any inspiration, there really is nothing to write about. 4pm, Oh! I have an idea, I reach for my laptop, open a blank page and just like that the fleeting idea I had was nowhere to be found. I sat on my bed watching the cursor blink away, silently taunting me and daring me to write down something. 5pm, I didn’t hear the alarm because I was on the phone with my mum, after my mum I called my sister, then my brother, then my dad, anything not to write this post today.

8pm and just as I finally cancelled the reminder and reached over to close my laptop, it dawned me that this in itself is a post. Not having anything to write about, is something to write about. Ha! I made it. *imaginary victory dance*  The thing is some days, ideas abound and all you want to do is write, it’s almost as though everything that happens that day is such a grand idea to write about and there’s just this rush of excitement and itchy fingers that won’t rest till you write, and then there are some days like today when you don’t want anything to do with your laptop and there is absolutely nothing worth writing about.(I am sure my fellow writers can relate to this.) And that’s OK, because that’s life! Some days are great, and some days aren’t but the most important thing is that the good days outnumber the bad and I am happy and content with the fact that my big rush of inspiration and ideas is just about the corner.

Writing about writer’s block is better than not writing at all.” – Charles Bukowski