This Constant Struggle…

This is a subject that is deeply personal to me and it is my hope that anyone out there going through a similar situation will read this and know that they are not alone. For so many years I have struggled with this, walked in this valley and shed a river of tears but I have come to realize that the only person holding me back is me.

Life as a plus sized person has not been the easiest and like I already mentioned has been a constant struggle for me. From the hurtful comments to the thinly veiled sarcasms to outright insults its been hard to just be. People seem to forget that words hurt. Actual physical pain can come from a few words that come from someone’s mouth. “You really need to watch your weight”. “You are a very beautiful girl but if only you were slimmer”. “Ah! as fat as you are you still eat? pls stop eating.”  “I would have bought you the dress but your size was unavailable”. All these sentences have been said to me and in very recent times too, by friends, and sometimes strangers. They are usually accompanied with laughter and a series of “I am just kidding oh!”  but they have been said nevertheless.

Society has a definition of beautiful and its getting smaller and smaller these days. Its why people, especially women all over the world are bending over backwards, not minding the costs to fit themselves into what society thinks they should be.

How did I get here? I didn’t make any conscious decision to be fat, somehow over the years, the scales kept shifting and it didn’t even occur to me that maybe it was time to make a change until recently. I am not absolving myself of blame. I should have taken some steps to prevent it, and I didn’t so its on me but I don’t need any constant reminders especially from people I barely know.

It took a recent trip to the Doctor to open my eyes to the fact that It was time to make a change and make it fast and I am. I am making those changes. Changing my habits has been a slow and painful process but I am. I am consciously making those changes and I am confident that they will pay off soon,God helping me.

Do I ever want to be skinny? No! I have come to a stage in my life where I don’t care so much anymore of what people think I am or who they think I should be. I want to live a long and healthy life and I am working towards it and with God on my side I will make it.

I am beautiful, inside and out. I am smart, kind, easygoing and happy go lucky. If you cant look beyond my body and see me for me, then that’s not on me.

I am thankful to my mother, my sister and my brothers, my aunts and my friends who have stood by me all these years. Do they tell me I need to loose weight? Yes they do. but do they smirk about it, call me names and be crude about it? No and this is why I am deeply thankful to them. My mother tells me I am a star, her star and she makes me feel like a million bucks and that makes it all better. I have a great support system and I am blessed.

So, to anyone reading this who is big, people will stare, ask you pay extra on buses, make crude comments about you even when you try to jog on the road side, but take a page from my book, lose the weight for all the right reasons, lose the weight for you, for your health not because anyone thinks you should or because that’s the only way you can be beautiful or acceptable.

Above all, love yourself because if you don’t, nobody else will.

Five Facts About Life that Crossed My Mind Today…

As I lay here looking for sleep, somethings have been running through my mind and these are the five most lucid ones:

1. There are some of my nursery, primary, secondary school and university friends that I might never ever see again till the end of time.

2. There is an alternate universe where some of my clothes and personal belongings disappear to! I have some things I simply cannot account for.

3. No matter how hard I wish, I cannot turn the hands of time, whats done is done.

4. We might never get to meet the “Caro” that our music artists keep singing about.

5. I have to sleep now,because staying up late is how wrinkles come I think, and I am loving my so far wrinkle free face!

Good night people!

Why Didn’t He Call Me Back???

Disclaimer: This post is just my honest opinion, I might be wrong…

Girl meets guy, they get along, guy asks for girl’s number, girl gives it to him, guy promises to call and he does not call. Why didn’t he call me back? this is a question that girls all over the world have asked themselves and their friends at some point. It is safe to say that in some cases, it has remained a mystery.

Now, in my little experience,(emphasis on the word little) I have discovered that men, (well most of them) are sure footed, and they basically do what they say they will do.

So I think that if he did not call you back, it might be for any of these reasons:

1. You did, said, implied, or even wore something that flashed red signs at him and he has decided to have none of it.

2. After a few hours of not hearing from him, you texted and called and basically stalked him. This might set him off too!

3. He got hit by a bus or by lightning and died minutes after he got your number!!! LOL

Seriously though I might be wrong but who knows? Sometimes Ladies, Its nothing you did or said or implied or wore that led to his not calling back. He might say he is busy, but hey, there are 24 hours in a day, he could have found 5minutes to call you back. He can say he forgot and if he actually did, Ouch!

After all is said and done, I am of the opinion that if a man says he will call you and he doesn’t, he didn’t die, he wasn’t hit by a bus, he is not so busy! He just didn’t want to call!

Who thinks differently?

Good Health Is Priceless…

I’ve been ill for a couple of days now and it has been exhausting. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t even drink water. This has really opened my eyes to how much I take my health for granted and right now there’s nothing I want more than to be whole again.

As I struggle to get better, I have promised to take better care of myself and you all should too because good health is priceless indeed.

Please wish me a speedy recovery,

Thanks.

The Chronicles Of A Girl That Lives On The Mainland And Works On The Island…Part 1

TRAFFIC!

So for the past year and a half I have been working on the Island, the famous Lagos Island, this series will carry you along on what I have been going through.

Beep beep beep!.. my alarm goes off at 4:30am every day, and while I struggle to tear myself away from my warm, delicious bed, I offer up a small prayer and hope that somehow I would be able to turn back the hands of time but alas, I cannot! Thanks a lot R Kelly, the hands of time cannot be turned… I get up and who do I see? my sister. She works on the mainland so its easy for her to snuggle deeper and mumble: Pls turn off the light before you leave. My brain is still way too foggy to form a sentence so I head to the bathroom instead.

Fast forward some 45 minutes later, I am out the door with my brother in tow. (He walks me to the bus stop every morning) I board the bus and try to catch a few power naps, but between the bus conductor’s ranting and the extremely bumpy roads, that is almost impossible.

Miraculously, I arrive to work fairly awake and alert, and after hastily putting on my make up (on the days I bother to put on any), I face the day. Thankfully, I love my job and my colleagues and that makes the day go by quite nicely.

6pm time to go…thanks to waiting for the Lekki shuttle to the gate, it takes another 10 -15 minutes to get out of Lekki. Finally me and my friend/colleague get on the bus. It takes about 2 hours, Chipsy plantain chips, laughter and some music to go through the Third Mainland Bridge, We have been on that bridge so much that we know the nooks and crannies of it. We even attempt to calculate how long we might spend on the bridge and most times, we are right.

Finally I get home and all I want to do is sleep, but I have to check in with my mum and my siblings and get set for the next day before reuniting with my bed which I have sorely missed,

Its cruel how the time speeds by because I am barely asleep before the alarm goes off again…

To be continued…

When In Rome…

This is a short and random post

 I am in Katsina State at the moment and its so refreshingly serene… No traffic, No horns, no generator noises, everyone walks calmly, no rush! makes me realize how rowdy Lagos is. A whole new cuisine too, I have been sampling some of the local delicacies, yum yum.

On the drive from Kano to Katsina, it dawned on me again how beautiful and blessed Nigeria is. Being here is making me regret my reluctance to learn other languages asides from my native language because it would have been really nice if I could speak Hausa, well there is still time to learn I think…

The weather is dry though, thats the downside for me as both my nostrils are blocked and I can barely breathe, it was breaking my hair too so I had to weave it. I also had to cover my hair in deference to their culture, because like the saying goes: ” when in Rome, do as the Romans do”IMG_20141016_131356

My Simbi goes to school hair do...

My Simbi goes to school hair do…

Why Am I Here?

I thought I knew what I wanted very early in life. I knew what age I wanted to finish from the university, intended course of study, career path, when I wanted to get married and how many kids I wanted to have. I knew all these thinQuestion_markgs, dreamt about them and in my naivety  I was so sure they would pan out exactly how I thought they would. 

Over the years, things seem to have gone in a totally different direction, all my lofty dreams and visions have gone unrealised and I have adjusted my numerous checklists so many times that I have lost count. Alot of questions have been on my mind…If all my plans had gone the way I had hoped they would, I might have been married, might have been having my second baby and managing my career at the same time but after all that, what would have been next??? 

What was I created to be? Wife, Mother and? I wish there were answers, I wish I knew. I believe I was made for a reason but for the life of me I have no idea what that is…am I the only one going through this? who is unsure as to what exactly the point of all this is? 

Give it time, thats what everyone says so thats what I will do, I shall keep praying to God too, He made me so He has all the answers. In the mean time, I’ll live each day trying to impact someone, to bring a smile to someone’s face and to do whatever my hand finds to do to the best of my ability.

“Somehow, we’ll find it. The balance between whom we wish to be and whom we need to be. But for now, we simply have to be satisfied with who we are.”
Brandon Sanderson, The Hero of Ages

Photo credit: assassinscreed.wikia.com

So Tell Me About Yourself…

So, tell me about yourself…some guys say this to girls they have just met and are trying to get to know,  usually during those initial awkward bbm/whatsapp chats or sometimes phone calls. I have been asked that question before and I rememimages (2)ber that I paused and thought to myself, how am I supposed to respond to this question? what parts of myself I’m I supposed to describe to this guy who I barely know in one sentence? Should I have sent him a copy of my CV instead? Ok that would have been extreme but my point is what happened to getting to know someone the old fashioned way? Our parents and those before them did not have Instant messaging and they got along just fine.

The problem with this is that there is a high tendency for people to tell lies during these chats. For example a lazy, rude girl who is also a lousy cook and has no interest in reading whatsoever can decide to present herself as such…

Random Guy: …I got your pin/number from my friend, and I would really love to know more about you.. soooo tell me more about yourself, the things you like and those you don’t like…

Random Girl: ...Uhmmm well, I am very hardworking, decent, I read a lot and I am an excellent cook, I also volunteer at a homeless shelter in my free time…I love guys that are honest, caring and God fearing. I cannot stand pride, deceit, etc...

This guy has no clue that this girl is being phony! He on the other hand upon hearing the girl’s preferences might just decide that since he is nothing like what she has mentioned  he has to become what she wants in a guy, to get her. This relationship is already faulty and doomed to fail because it is built on lies and unrealistic expectations. He might be expecting her to one day make him a mouth watering meal only to find out that she can barely make noodles without burning the whole pot! The girl might be expecting a guy who doesn’t smoke nor drink or stay out late but because he has lied to her and fashioned his online self to suit her, they are both in for huge disappointments.

Let’s talk about pictures shall we? between all the filters, photoshop, photo editing and all that we have these days, any one can look drop dead gorgeous. Usually after ” so tell me about yourself ” comes the ” is this you on your dp? ” or ” pls send me recent pictures of you ” of course they will  both scroll through their phones and send each other the prettiest, most handsome pictures of them all, the one that highlights all the right areas, makeshift dimples and all.. At the end of the day when they eventually see each other, it would be hard to marry the two personalities together, because their online and real line personalities don’t add up.

I think that people who are looking to go into a relationship, should put the required work in, get to know each other away from the social network, and even when said relationships have been established, keep them off the social networks too. Constantly putting up posts about your relationship can put an unnecessary strain on the people who are involved.

I guess our parents stayed together simply because they didn’t have 7000 other people following them or liking their pictures at their disposal when their marriage or relationship got hard. Nowadays when our relationship hits the rocks we can just log in and get high of this false sense of security and appreciation. We value our worth based on comments and inbox messages filled with colourful words that have no depth. Meanwhile, the person who loves you when there is no filter on your face becomes an option and the rest of the world who just sees your representative becomes priority. Don’t loose what is real chasing behind what only appears to be. ”  – Tyrese Gibson

Uncle Lagbaja And His Girlfriend’s Tattoo…

For some reason, almost everything that happens around me is a story! This one I just had to share because it got me laughing and thinking at the same time, how much is too much?

So I was busy minding my own business, sitting on the balcony and patiently waiting for the guy I buy fish from to walk by when I heard the conversation below from a couple on my street. I shall call him Uncle Lagbaja because that’s how I refer to people when I cannot for the life of me remember their names.

Uncle Lagbaja: I say I no do again ni, I don tire for this ya love! shey na by force?

His Girlfriend: Lagbaja I dey beg you, no leave me. Wetin I do you now? Joor tell me make I beg you. Abeg, I take God name dey beg you.

Uncle Lagbaja: Why you go tattoo my name put for ya breast? ehn? I don pay money for ya head? I tell you say I go marry you? why?

His Girlfriend:  Ah! na the tattoo dey cause this wahala? I go commot am sharp sharp! I think say you go love me more and even propose to me sef when you see the tattoo…abeg if na the tattoo dey cause wahala I go run go Ikeja now now, rub am commot.

Uncle Lagbaja: E don too late, I no dey do again, I dey pack my load commot for this house, you wan take this tattoo trap me, your plan no go work. I no marry you since all this years, na this yeye tattoo go make me marry you?

Loud, racking sobs followed and  before I could blink, Uncle Lagbaja stormed away on his Okada, his bags in tow. As if on cue, the guy selling the fish passed by and I went to him.

Now what is the point of this story? I learnt a few lessons from Uncle Lagbaja and his now ex girlfriend and I want to share…

1) Tattooing his name on your body will not make him love you or stay with you, Aunty Amber Rose taught us that lesson recently too.

2) Defining your relationship and setting clear goals are very important. Uncle Lagbaja clearly had no intention to marry her even though they lived together, and had been dating for almost six years.

3) Self Worth cannot be over emphasised. Having witnessed Uncle Lagbaja giving her a few slaps before, I would have thought she would have been happy to break up, clearly I was wrong.

4) Think before you ink!!! Just before you get that tattoo, be sure that you are 100% certain you can live with it. Uncle Lagbaja’s Name wasn’t even spelled correctly in the tattoo and she had it emblazoned on her boobs. He pointed it out too that the least she could have done was spell his name correctly.

I would like to hear your thoughts on love and tattoos, and also what you think of Uncle Lagbaja and his Girlfriend.

Happy Birthday My Nigeria!!!

Nigeria, my Nigeria. Though in recent times it has become so hard to love you, to believe in you and to be proud of you, somehow I am still hanging on. On this day, it comes to mind that you are my only home, and that no matter how far away I go from you, you will always be the root from whence I sprouted from. stock-footage-nigeria-flag-animation-with-real-time-lapse-clouds

We have come a long way from the day we gained our Independence, and we are still going strong. Our leaders have failed us, diseases, terrorism, and a thousand other plagues have befallen us but we are not dismayed. On this day, I choose not to curse, but to bless this Nigeria that I call home. 

One day, this nightmare will be over, one day Nigeria will rise like a phoenix from the ashes. youth empowerment, a functional health system, a sound education system, job security, a dedicated police force, good roads, clean accessible water and infrastructures will be a reality.

I pledge to be the change I desire to see, to pray for rather than curse and condemn the president, to do my best to change this little portion of Nigeria where I reside.

God bless and keep Nigeria and may the joy that we have despite all that we are going through, never ever cease.

Long live Nigeria!!!