It has been 37 days since I last heard my father’s voice, and a whole lifetime ahead of me that I’ll never hear it again. It feels like a movie, or a really horrible nightmare that I cannot seem to wake up from. Some days I wake up and I forget, I go through my day laughing, joking and suddenly I feel it, I feel it in every fibre of my being, an overwhelming emptiness; I will never see my father again. Sigh..
I don’t know what to make of it, how to cope. I know I have to make room in my life for this grief because I know it will always be a part of me, I know I have to move on, live my life but how? Death is a cruel, final, thing. It’s a door slammed in your face that no amount of crying, bargaining or wailing can open, It’s just closed forever and you’re left with more questions than you know what to do with.
My mental health is a revolving door at this point, feelings are coming and going but even in the opacity there is clarity and for that I am thankful. Mourning the loss of a parent is devastating, mourning without my family around me has been a different kind of painful. I am so thankful for the people that God has surrounded me with. They have held me down, let me cry, made me laugh, fed me, covered me and kept me going; you know who you all are, I am so grateful and I love you all..
I cannot believe you are gone, I want to call you, to hear your pleasure at my call, to hear you laugh, to hear you tell me you got the airtime I sent, hear you ask me if I’ve eaten and when I’ll bring you a son in-law.. I don’t quite know how to exist in a world that you don’t exist in. Everyone keeps telling me to be strong, to keep my head up. I don’t know how to but God is helping me. Every day I wake up and I get through the day and tomorrow, I try again.
I thought the world would stop when you left me, I thought that time would stand still for me because this big thing happened to me and I had nowhere to go, but time has been marching by, I cannot believe it’s been a month, God is helping us Daddy, He truly is. I will miss you everyday but I know that you are resting now, away from the madness of this world, you are in your perfect body now, where pain and sickness has ceased to exist. I miss you, I miss you.
I have so much to say Daddy, so much. Maybe later, maybe never, but one thing I am sure of is that You will always be alive to me in my heart.. I am a little lost and just a little broken but I know that I will be okay.
Thank you again to everyone for the love and support, I am deeply grateful.
Matthew 5 vs 4