Reclaiming Myself..

Hi my people,

Happy new year! I hope the year has been going well so far, and I truly hope that will be a better year than last year, amen? Amen..

Okay, lets get to it. If you have followed me for a while, you will remember that I try to be as honest and open as I can be about my mental health struggles and today felt like a good day to share.

I have been struggling, a lot. I thought I was doing better, I told myself I would be more honest about my struggles with my friends and my family, and for the most part, I try to be, but it is so hard to share something that you don’t understand, something so heavy and so complicated and so I just keep quiet and live with it. I have been in and out of therapy, sometimes it helps and sometimes well, there’s only so much one can say.

Somedays are hellish and somedays are good, so I trudge through the hellish days and enjoy the good days and when the sun comes up, I try again. Depression is a thief; I say this a lot and it is true. You don’t even notice what it steals from you sometimes until it’s too late.. I used to love reading novels, it was my escape and my happy place, and I was always happy when I read. Two days ago, I realized that I didn’t remember the last time I read a novel. I buy them and leave them on the shelf but I haven’t read a book that made me happy in a very long time and quite frankly it broke my heart. My anxious mind has shortened my attention span and has made it hard to sit still and enjoy things that make me happy. I find myself re-watching shows that I have seen a thousand times over and over again because the thought of watching a new show just stresses me out and I end up re-watching because there are no surprises, I know the outcome and that soothes me.

Another thing I lost is my love for cooking. I come from a large family, and I am used to cooking a lot not because I must but because I genuinely enjoy it but lately it has become a chore for me. I don’t enjoy it like I used to and even when hunger forces me to cook it doesn’t taste good to me. I used to enjoy going to the grocery store, walking around, looking at ingredients and dreaming of what to make with them. These days, I don’t care so much, I just toss some pasta around or skip the meal altogether and call it a day.

This has been my life for the past few months, but I am reclaiming myself and my passions. I started cooking again, slowly but surely, I am reclaiming my love for cooking and a healthier relationship with food. The actual inspiration for this post happened on Monday, my local thrift store sent me an email saying there was a 30% discount on books and my heart leapt. For the first time in years, I got excited again at the thought of buying and reading books. So, I went, and I found a few books at a great price and I am genuinely excited to read them and I can’t wait.

I know it’s hard, its hard to live with, it’s hard to explain and its just plain exhausting but here’s to reclaiming the parts of ourselves that we’ve let go of and to better, sunnier days ahead, it will get better.

Do something that makes you smile today; I am here as always rooting for you.

“life is a journey, travel it well..”