Grief & A Kiss…

“When I’m feelin’ blue, all I have to do is take a look at you, then I’m not so blue…”

So a couple of nights ago, I was sitting on the couch, watching New Girl and towards the end of the episode, Groovy Kind of Love by Phil Collins starts to play and from no where, hot tears sprang to my eyes and I’m just sitting there bawling my eyes out. You see, that song means a whole lot to me because my dear friend Peter loved that song. He would place one hand on his chest, and with the other hand as his microphone he’d sing in his weirdly comforting, but very off key voice: “When I’m feelin’ blue, all I have to do is take a look at you…” he sang it so loud, attempting to dance while trying to balance his glasses and it without fail always made me laugh so hard. It’s been over ten years since he died, still every time I hear that song my heart skips several beats and in that moment I feel the overwhelming loss all over again.

The thing about grief is that it never really lets up. It can leave you alone for years and years and then boom! In one instant it hits you so hard you might lose your breath. Peter’s death is one of the most painful things I have had to endure in my lifetime, there really is no getting over it. After he died, my chest hurt so bad because we were in the middle of a very silly fight when he passed. I can’t even remember what it was about, and then I went back to school and when I came home he was gone and I was broken. I kept wondering if he died mad at me but thankfully he didn’t. I ran into his brother years later and finally had some much needed closure. He’s the reason why I try so hard never to go to bed mad at anyone.

So I sat there and had a good cry and went about my day but this evening, it happened again. There I was, on that same couch when from no where I remembered him again, and just as the sadness was about to set in, my friend’s little daughter crawled into my lap and of course it was picture time. Halfway into the second picture she put her tiny hands on my face and in that moment, the sadness became pure joy and the grief passed. Kissing her cute little face put a band aid on my aching heart.

If you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one, the pain might never really disappear, but it does get easier as time goes by, and you’ll find ways to keep them alive in your heart. For me it’s my wallet, I still have his complimentary card somewhere in there (on which he scribbled with his terrible writing) makes me smile when I look at it.  One thing is for sure, even though you will always miss them, you will smile again because God and time have their ways of healing even the deepest of wounds.

My darling, awkward, annoying, hilarious and smart friend, I hope that wherever you are, you miss me like I miss you!

“A beautiful soul is never forgotten…” –Anonymous