They’re always simmering just above the surface, waiting to leap out at me. It doesn’t matter what I am doing, if I’m happy or sad, it doesn’t matter. I’m anxious all the time, my heart beats just a little faster all the time. Sometimes I try to catch myself and slow it down, I lay my hands on my chest and tell myself that I’m okay. Deep breaths, in and out, in and out.. sometimes it’s random chills, starts inside my belly and spreads to the surface of my skin. It’s a cold that no heater or blanket can banish, it’s brief but it’s chilling. It stops me in my tracks and a fear so deep grips me and for the life of me I can never figure out why. It makes me grab my phone and frantically check to see that every one I love is okay. I place my phone down and take a deep breath, all is well. For now.
Annoying, shrill, nagging voices that don’t quit. No days off, always always waiting for any avenue to chime in. You’ll never have this.. you’ll never be this.. this will never happen.. that’s not feasible.. they don’t want you.. this.. that. Last night they got so loud, I literally had to scream: “SHUT UP”. I didn’t realize I had screamed out loud, sigh. I just needed a break, a moment of peace. When people tell me I’m always happy or upbeat or bright and shiny, I laugh a little. I have to be, fear cannot nag me when I’m laughing, I can’t hear them and for a moment, I win. How do I explain myself to the people I love the most? I am constantly afraid of saddling my people with my problems. You see? Always afraid. The first time I heard The Story, a song by Sara Ramirez I cried my eyes out. Finally a song that encapsulated the way I felt. I felt so seen, I wasn’t crazy, someone else felt the way I did.. oh!, I listened to that song for hours and I know every word. ..”you see the smile that’s on my mouth, it’s hiding the words that don’t come out. And all of my friends that who think that I’m blessed, they don’t know my head is a mess”.. that line from the song stood out to me the most and it helped me be more open with my family and my friends, to let them know the real me. They let sunlight into my life and even fear will not rob me of it..
It’s okay. I let myself fall, terrified that I would fall flat on my face but the ones that love me catch me time and time again. There’s no prize for being stoic and carrying on as though I don’t need anyone. I do. I need my people and they are here for me. Thank you, I love you all, much more than I can say..