So today I typed a message.
I had been wanting to tell someone my piece. A piece of my mind, how I really felt. So I typed and I typed and I typed and just as I was about to click send, I realized that I wasn’t sure I wanted to say it any longer . I still want to say my piece but I feel like a lot might get lost in translation and who wants to read a really long message anyway? So I hit delete and poof… it disappeared, never to be said again.
It’s kind of sad I think, to never say what you really need to say. So many people have passed away and some of the people in their lives never knew, never had an inkling about how they really felt or what they truly wanted to say and to me, that is unbelievably sad. So there I was, sitting crossed legged on the floor, staring at my now blank screen, the cursor blinking away at me, daring me to say it but I locked my phone instead and took a walk. Well, the weather is awful so the walk was really downstairs to the fridge and back but still I walked away and I came back and I picked up my phone and typed again. This time it was a note and it was longer, very honest, very vulnerable, I felt all my feelings and said everything and then I clicked save and put my phone back down. I felt a little better writing it down, I’ll probably never send it, actually I won’t, but I know it’s there.
Even as I write this, I’m trying to wrap my mind around the why of it all. I know I’m not the only one who types a text and then deletes it. Why? What are we so afraid to say? And why are we so afraid to say it? Maybe it’s self preservation, maybe we don’t want to give away all our power by being too vulnerable? I guess I’ll never know. If I had a dollar for every unsent message, I’d be fairly rich. There’s a relief that comes with telling someone what you really want to say but there’s also a relief that comes from not saying it at all. Almost like, whew! Dodged that one! Especially when it’s a message you know you shouldn’t be sending, And then there’s the regret that comes when you sometimes send them anyway. I feel like I’m constantly in a loop with all three, sigh.
While I have you here, how are you? Really. I hope the year has been kind to you so far, I hope you all are happy, and at peace and making it one day at a time. Wherever you’re reading this from I truly hope that you’re happy and safe.
So here’s to all our unsent messages, I hope that one day we’ll find the courage to hit send, the courage to say our piece and be okay with however it turns out.
“Say what you need to say, say what you need to say.” – John Mayer
Ps: I started this thing where I celebrate my small victories. So, I walked into the store today, I didn’t buy coca cola or chocolate or ice cream which basically left me without my comfort foods in a time that I definitely need them but hey, water melons and apples can be comforting too, not really but I like to think my body is thanking me for it. Did you have any personal victories recently? I’d love to know ❤️