How Am I? Well..

Dear Diary,

There will be no sunshine and rose petals on this post..

I can’t sleep. It’s been months since I enjoyed good sleep. I sleep, but I stay tossing and turning, waking up countless times with vivid and confusing dreams that disappear as soon as my eyes open. I wake up tired, the weight of the world heavy on my shoulders and it’s all I can do to stretch and make room for it while I go about my day.

Everything is weird. I feel like I’m in a state where everything is fine but nothing feels fine, nothing feels right. There’s way too much happening at the same time, every where I turn it’s some tragedy. I can’t escape it. I feel like the world around me is crumbling bit by painful bit and my life is a series of dumpster fires that I seem to be running all over the place trying to put out and failing woefully.

I have felt loneliness in my life but this version seems to be deeper. I’m not lacking in love by any means, my family and my friends are only a call or a text away but I feel like I’m screaming into the void and nobody can hear me. I feel alone even when I’m not, it doesn’t seem to make a difference where I am or who I’m with, the void is deep and full of many echoes.

I have cried and prayed and listened to my favorite songs, lit all the scented candles, taken the longest walks of my life, drank all the soothing teas. I have tried to eat healthy, repeat positive affirmations, sigh I have done it all. All the tools handed to me in therapy feel so useless and it’s startling.

I am anxious when I check my emails, I am anxious when my phone rings, my heart skips several beats when I see a call from home, I am terrified, I spook so easily these days and I don’t know why. I try to explain to those that love me, to tell them how I really feel but words fail me so I laugh it off and try to be in the moment. Nothing makes sense these days, I feel like I’m on a nerve racking, rollercoaster and I can’t seem to get off. I feel rootless, like I don’t know where I belong or what the hell I am doing. I try not to watch the news too much or keep up with the relentless chain of tragedies that this year seems bent on churning out but I can’t help it. I see all that’s happening and I absorb them and feel them way too much and I don’t know how not to.

It took me a long time to write this, I don’t want pity or concern or pick me ups I just want to know if anyone feels the same way too. I need to know that I’m not spiraling out of control.

The one thing that seems to be working for me though is optimism. I am determined to be optimistic that this year will get better and that these storms will cease. I truly believe that it will. Also gratitude. Never in my life have I loved my friends and my family more. Each conversation or interaction with them feels like a life giving dose of sunshine and I am beyond thankful.. I honestly don’t know why I wrote this here, but a small part of me feels like someone somewhere might relate and they’ll know like I do that they’re not alone. I know that all will be well, I know that this will pass, but today? Today this is exactly how I feel and it feels good to write it all out.

Let’s be kind to one another, be intentional in our friendships and relationships and live with the knowledge that life is so short, let your people know how much you love and care for them because now more than ever, we all need a lot of love.

“There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn’t.” – John Green

Joshua 1 vs 9